there was this person i briefly knew because we took a class in college together and we had some affinity between us. i was too socially inept back then to become friends or whatever, which is unfortunate. i wish we had. i think in hindsight she probably wanted to be my friend. i cannot remember her name anymore.
i have exactly two memories of her. one was running into her in downtown santa cruz when i was on my way to go see hella live and she was going to see kristin hersh live. i felt so cool going to a show and running into someone i knew who was going to a different show. i figured, this must be what life is like.
at the time i hadn't gotten into kristin hersh or her band throwing muses; they later became some of my favorites, and i know i mainly checked them out afterwards only because she liked them. that seems to be how a lot of my taste in music has formed. other peoples' taste sticks to me like pollen to a bat. i guess it's how i remember people and places and moments despite my failings of memory.
the second memory was a small moment that probably saved my life due to the butterfly effect repercussions of it on my mental health over the years. i wrote an essay for my indigenous studies class that my teacher liked, and i was asked to read the essay for the class. today, i remember the essay's fire but none of its contents. when i was done reading, she immediately complimented my writing. i was shy and responded, "i dunno it's nothing special," or something similarly pointless. she told me i should stop being self-deprecating. it was the first time i thought maybe i wasn't someone's punchline, and it shocked me.
i heard her then; i still hear her.